Updated: Dec 14, 2021
“𝙁𝙞𝙫𝙚! 𝙁𝙤𝙪𝙧! 𝙏𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙚! 𝙏𝙬𝙤! 𝙊𝙣𝙚!”…
…There was a moment of silence - a single second that felt like an eternity, followed by a roar from the crowd. All of the space I had just a second ago was now filled with people rushing in for hugs, handshakes, and pat on the backs while I pushed through them to properly acknowledge my opponent.
I grab him (my opponent) and push through the crowd to have him properly acknowledged by the audience. In my mind, “This guy’s a beast. I definitely just got lucky.” And because I didn’t feel like I deserved it, I wanted to make sure that the applause was going in the right direction…to him.
The trophy gets shoved in my face and I grab it just to get it out of the way, not even thinking about it. It’s not until someone forces me to turn towards the crowd of what must've been over a thousand people that I realize…
"𝙄 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙁𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙮𝙡𝙚 𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙊𝙛 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝘾𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙜𝙤" - 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙖𝙡 𝙄’𝙫𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝟔 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨.
Hundreds of phones focused in on me, lights flashing as I take a bow in three different directions of the crowd, people still applauding. And in that moment, I felt…
𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜. 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙮. 𝙐𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣.
Not feeling like I’ve proved myself enough yet, I slapped on a smile and did an extra Dance in hopes of offering more value before leaving the stage - hoping that the extra few 8 counts would help me feel more validated.
After leaving the stage, I took pictures with peop
le who would normally just walk past me on any other day. I got praise from kids and their parents. Strangers wanted to see how they could follow me on social media. And all I could think to myself was; “now I have to through my instagram and delete the crappy videos of myself.”
And after everything calmed down, I went home alone. I stayed up that night, beating myself up, criticizing everything I did, and wondering what I should’ve done differently. The worst part – I felt wrong for feeling this way because everyone expected me to be happy.
𝙉𝙤, 𝙄 𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙙. 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙨𝙩 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝟏𝟔 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨.
So why was I feeling so shitty about accomplishing something that I had wanted for so long? Why was I always feeling so shitty about all of my achievements?
After a lot of reflection and self-work, I realized that I had been living my life looking for validation. And no, I didn’t realize that on the surface level that most people do. I realized it on a deeper level. On a level of “I’ve been making my whole existence about being validated.” And a layer deeper than that; I was looking for validation because I somehow believed that if I got enough of it, I would finally be someone who mattered.
In other words, I lived my whole life with the subconscious belief : “𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧”
And I somehow thought that accomplishing XYZ would fill in the void that I didn’t even realize I had.
𝙋𝙍𝙊𝙏𝙄𝙋: 𝙎𝙐𝘾𝘾𝙀𝙎𝙎 𝘼𝙇𝙊𝙉𝙀 𝙒𝙄𝙇𝙇 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙁𝙄𝙇𝙇 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙑𝙊𝙄𝘿.
It’ll simply act as a blanket and to cover up the hole. And at some point you’ll find yourself falling into it, lost, stuck, and unfulfilled. I’m sure many of you successful folks know what I’m talking about.
So, what now? How do we fill in the void if not through success and accomplishments? It’s simple, really. Not easy, but simple.
𝙂𝙚𝙩 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮:
*What is the story that you have about yourself?
*Is it actually true or is it your interpretation?
𝘾𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙖 𝙣𝙚𝙬 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪.
*Not just one that just flips the old story 180 degrees. Nothing like switching “I don’t matter ” to “I do matter.” Example of my own: “I don’t matter” → “I have a unique perspective to offer.”
*Choose to behave and take action from that empowered place in everything that you do.
This is especially for hardworking hustlers. People who get caught up in the doing and forget “what for.”
𝙃𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙖 𝙡𝙤𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙮?
𝙄𝙛 𝙨𝙤, 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙩?
I’d love to hear about your experiences. Share them below, or feel free to message me if you’d like to share them more privately!
View the experience here and notice how well the "I don't matter" belief was hidden.